Since I had my PBM back in February, I had not given a lot of thought to the part where I would have to have my expanders exchanged and the implants put in…..
I had my exchange surgery last Wednesday (21st) and have to be honest in saying that I still feel like I’m in the expander stage, I have yet to fully comprehend that the implants sitting swollen and bruised on my chest are going to be my new breasts for the next 20 or so years (their life span not mine!) I can’t quite understand if it is because I’m not ready to embrace them or if it’s simply the fact I don’t want to get attached in case god forbid something go wrong… I feel so annoyed in the last few days when people who have come to visit me ask “so how do they look”? the answer they want I suppose is the one of “oh fantastic”, and they even go so far as to say they do too….but I would be lying if I said that… I don’t know honestly how they look… they are swollen, what I can see is yellow, purple and some blue and the bandages that cover the majority of it up.. I haven’t studied them in the mirror or tried on my favorite top yet, I feel almost in denial of these new squishies! In some ways I think it is now that I am starting to “mourn” my old boobs, and am feeling a little glum, overtired and rundown, so maybe for now I’ll stop here and go and have a much need sleep.
All of your feelings are normal and you’re doing great. I love you and I’m proud of you!
xoxo
Oh my sweet girl! I know how you feel… I’m not sure these replacements will ever feel like part of me but yet I can’t really mourn my real boobs. They had served me well over the years & I simply didn’t feel comfortable with them any longer knowing the threat of BC was so real. It almost became a reality for me & the discomfort I feel now with my still sore and horribly bruised boobs is far better than dealing with chemo & the fear that I might not beat the cancer that was so imminent in my case. You will be fine. It is a huge adjustment but in time you will get used to your new boobs & when you have doubts, just look at the faces of those beautiful children & your wonderful Esto. You’ll feel better, I know you will. I love you so much little Kiwi.
Hey love what you are feeling is so normal. It takes time for the newbies to settle down and even take their final shape. It is ok to mourn your boobs as this is the final stage now, I think it doesn’t really hit home until then. I know I miss mine sometimes especially when I see old pics or look in the mirror for too long, but then like Lita I remind myself on why we have done this and it all gets put back into perspective and it is all good. Once it is all settled and the bruising and bandages are gone and you can put on that favorite top “braless” you will feel much better. I love you and so proud not only to have you as my BRCA sister but as a true friend…..
I am so sorry that you are again mourning the loss of your breasts at a stage when you expected to be over it. But I agree that what you are dealing with is not uncommon. I have had my implants for more than three years and while most of the time I don’t even think much about them any more, there are times when someone asks how they are and I know the expected answer is great, but I don’t always feel that way about them. They are not your flesh. But that said, you have to keep you eye on the silver lining and the reasons you did this. You do not have to live in fear of breast cancer and you will likely never need to wear a bra again (which is my personal favorite).
Good luck with your healing, give yourself room to feel and grieve, it is normal.
Joi
I am so sorry your going through this rough patch. But think of all the rough patches you have already overcome. This too will pass and you will be walking tall, head up and chest out!!! ❤
😦 Sorry you are feeling this way. I’m still swollen, and stitched up, and not looking all that great – but luckily I’m able to see beyond that a little bit..and keep my eye on what I will look like when I’m all done. Hopefully you’ll be able to do that soon. Hope you can get some rest, and feel better soon. Love you!
I have to say I felt exactly like you do…… along the way I realized that in life –everything is a process. Mourning is a healthy part of your moving forward. I remember having an envelope with my “before surgery” picture(s) that I had hidden under a hutch. I always knew they were down there but stayed clear away from them for the longest time. I knew that one day I would have the nerve to open the envelope and “process”.
That time came…….I waited til it was very late & everyone was sleeping. I removed the envelope from the hutch as if I was performing a ceremony. I was afraid, I was ready, I was afraid. I laid the envelop on my lap & rocked back & forth in the rocking chair. I slowly opened the envelop removing the tape across the seal. Once open I sat there & continued to rock. Finally I had the nerve….I stopped rocking. I pulled out the pictures thinking I would burst into tears……. in my own amazement I thought to myself……WOW! I really like my new set better! No more tennis ball in a tube sock. =) Perfectly shaped – – Perfectly made. At that point I was not even finished….yet the satisfaction was rewarding.
Know this: With everything in life….we need to process. Process in your time & no one else’s. We have all been black, blue, yellow, swollen, hurting, tired, completely drained & really tired of going through so much. Life is unpredictable & our journey is unique.
You will be writing to someone one day about your journey.
You are right on track!
Hugs,
Joan