The last fews weeks have been somewhat of a blur for me, I’ve been curled up in the fetal position and trying to ignore how I’m feeling.. I’ve been trying to lie to myself that I would learn to live with my implants, that they just simply needed more time, I needed more time and really that I should just be grateful for what I got.. but the truth is, I don’t like them, I’m never going to and at the end of the day I shouldn’t just settle for how they are now, I should at least be happy enough to live with them for the rest of my life… This being said, I saw my PS on Monday, I developed a hole in my incision and it had become infected, and while I was there we discussed my options, either replace the implants with different size, shape and texture or fat injections. Without much thought I opted for the fat injections given that it was less surgery/recovery time and wouldn’t really inconvenience anyone. So the date was set November and that was that… Well that was that until this happened….
Every Wednesday I have lunch with Esto, we stay at his work and I get to catch up with his workmates (who were once my workmates) and we all have a laugh.. Well this Wednesday when I went in, his boss asked me how I was going and how my appointment went on Monday, when I told him I had to do another surgery he got a little agitated and left the lunchroom! Esto went back to work and I got talking with Gary (who is much like an old woman) and he asked me all sorts of questions, but it was my answer to one of them that made me have a “revelation”.. all the surgeries I have had have been based on someone else, how long Esto would need off work, who would do his job, who would look after the kids etc but when Gary asked me if I was angry that I didn’t have options something inside me stopped…and I think I surprised him and scared him with my answer… Yes I had other options, but I chose the options that would be less inconvenient for Esto’s work, so that his boss wouldn’t be shitty with him, so that his workmates could all leave at 5pm while he stays to 6.30 sometimes 7… so that he didn’t have to leave work early to pick the kids up from daycare… I did what was more CONVENIENT TO EVERYONE ELSE but deep in my heart knew it wasn’t what I wanted.
With that I went down stairs to say goodbye to Esto, and he ushered me into the corner and said “Paul asked me so what does this surgery mean? how long is recovery? does she really need it?” I went home and cried, and cried and cried. I have held so much guilt over my surgeries and how it’s made other people feel and again I was having another reason to feel guilty… I opened my wardrobe door and studied my implants and for a brief second I caught myself thinking, Ok maybe I can live with them this way, I shut the door headed for the phone and rang my PS, cancel my lipo appointment please, and book me in for a redo over, I WANT different implants, bigger, rounder, fuller… This is my life, my body, I refuse to be made to feel guilty about the decisions I have made in life, oh my god I think that tough bitch that lives inside of me is finally getting her voice back….I am a PREVIVOR hear me roar, oh and in a couple of months see my new improved ta ta’s!!!
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the brca mutant and me 