I was sitting at my computer tonight trying to write a blog..but somehow no words could come, my fingers felt so foreign to the keyboard, Elaine constantly on my mind.
Tears were welling up in my eyes when Esteban walked up behind me and touched my shoulders gently… maybe you’ve already written what you need to say before, he said to me… I wiped my tears and looked at him as if he was talking another language… he walked away, I put my fingers over the keyboard again and closed my eyes… maybe he was right.
So I started reading my blog, and thats when I realized he was right, I had written it before.. the 5th October 2010. Only difference was, this time Elaine had actually gone to heaven….
About a year ago I became part of a sisterhood that changed my life forever, and I became friends with the most amazing women I have ever met. We talk on an almost daily basis, sharing in every detail of our lives, we are sister’s, together in the good and the bad, we share the highs the lows and everything in between. I can’t imagine life without my sisters……
I have not been living with the lights off or even in denial, I have faced this mutation head on from the start, but this week I met something called REALITY , and man does it suck…
I woke up yesterday to the news that one of my Sisters was in hospital and not expected to live. The message seemed to swirl in my head, I stood up from the computer and walked away, thinking that maybe when I looked again it would say something different, maybe I had read it wrong…Surely it can’t be right, there had to have been some kind of mistake. In that very moment for the first time in my life I felt vulnerable, I felt scared beyond words, I felt that maybe all the surgeries I am doing to save my life have been a waste, as death will find me anyway. I felt almost lost, empty and alone.
As the day went on tears seemed to come easily, I felt like a child who was lost in a crowd and was desperately seeking a familiar face. I had very little words to say as everything I wanted to say got lost in the sobs that my body could no longer control, still I could not get my head around the fact that I was about to lose a wonderful friend who was far to young to die. Then came the anger, I HATE this mutation, I HATE that it is robbing me of my friends and family, I HATE that it controls my life, I HATE that I HATE it….
The day became a blur and I was constantly checking the computer for an update, maybe the doctor’s had gotten it wrong…Then the reality of seeing these words really started to sink in:
I am sending messages to some of ELaines Brca sisters to give the full story but she does not know the extent of her problem and as you will understand I have confiscated her phones till she knows so she cannot find out by accident. SHe had a headache on Thursday and she looked like she had had a stroke so I called an ambulance and she went in to Poole GEneral. ON Friday I was told she had had a massive bleed in her brain and it may have been due to a tumour about a third the size of her brain which is suspected to be a secondary to her breast cancer. TO the doctors surprise she lived through Friday night and at present is recovering but could relapse anytime. SHe was lucid when I left her tonight but a bit confused possibly due to tiredness. WE hope to get her back to BIrmingham in the next few days to QEH hospital where she may or may not get radio or chemotherapy but in the long run the tumour is likely to be terminal.
I am sorry to be the bearer of such bad news and feel like I am living a nightmare.
PLease feel free to pass the message on.
I must have read this message at least a hundred times, yet I still don’t believe it, I can’t believe it, I refuse to believe it. I am not ready to lose Elaine, I’m not ready to lose anyone, I’m not ready to face reality either…
Helpless is how I feel 2day, Elaine I wish we weren’t so far away, a simple hug & a smile, I’d like to stay and sit a while. I’d like to hold your hand & say, Magic wand please make this go away. Elaine, stay strong my special friend, this surely can not be the end…
If I could go back a week and tell you something, it would be something that you already knew, something that I am glad I told you often. I am so proud of you for everything you have ever done in your life. I am proud to be your friend and sister, I’m also lucky to be both. I love you to the moon Elaine, love your little kiwi xoxo
so that’s what I wrote then, what would I add to it now?
Elaine, you were such a great warrior, and real fighter with inspirational spirit.
An angel walked the path last night, she made her journey home…she was such a special friend to many, it’s heartbreaking to see her go. In heaven she’ll be free of pain, on earth never forgotten. Fly free my friend, your star shines bright, the brightest star in the sky tonight x love you — with Elaine Graham Hardy.